There are many moments when I need 20 minutes to solve a problem, and my university colleagues come in and solve the same problem in just a few. Many times I have wondered, "Why the hell am I here?"

The people you meet in mathematics range from Detective Conan to Terence Tao: unique, gifted individuals for whom mathematical intuition is just one blink away.

Unfortunately, I am the outlier, an element lying in the complement of that set. So pursuing mathematics has put me on a rollercoaster of emotions. Facing self-doubt, fears, and deciding when to give up can be a challenging part of problem-solving, but it's also an essential aspect of personal growth. It's important to remember that making mistakes and encountering difficulties are natural parts of the learning process. By persevering through moments of uncertainty, you can develop resilience and build the skills needed to tackle complex problems with confidence.

Note that it is okay to ask for help and take breaks when needed. The key is to keep pushing forward and believe in your ability to overcome obstacles.

There is an old saying that you usually love doing things that you are good at. I would visualise this relationship as Figure 1, where how much you like something grows linearly with how easily it comes to you, or how good you are at it.

Figure 1: Linear relationship between your skill proficiency and personal preference for a particular activity

If that is the case, why do I love maths?

Unfortunately, the hardships I faced during my childhood led me to use a maths textbook as my moral compass. That was how I taught myself the difference between right and wrong. Young me was determined to find what lies in the unknown that awaits us after death, and the purpose of our existence. The ease of retrieving certainty by flipping a page of a textbook was enough to convince my younger self that I do love maths. Hence why I am here. Little did I know that I was trying to answer the same questions philosophers have been wrestling with for millennia. Foolish me, thinking I could solve them with maths.

To compensate for my weaknesses in mathematics, I need time to play around with the numbers. Managing multiple jobs on top of this was horrifying. Given these circumstances, one should have pursued anything other than mathematics, something that didn’t demand so much time and patience, especially if you are not naturally gifted at it. But since I am addicted to self-destructive behaviour and living on the edge, here I am. If you are, or were, in the same position as me, good job, and give yourself a pat on the back.

I admire all my undergrad friends. Sometimes they would point out the flaws in my problem-solving. In those moments, all I have to do is shrug it off with "Haha, skill diff" and other jokes that satisfy these buffoons, then go home and try harder. Even if you will never be as smart as them, you are still there, and sometimes that is all that matters! Like in a movie, you are not the main character, but you are still in the film. You are that extra tree in the background that no one asked for, waving your branches so high that people can't miss you!

Sometimes, that alone is good enough 😃