Finally living the fantasy your younger self once dreamed of behind the counter at Taco Bell was a fulfilling moment. The sigh of relief at joining the workforce would bookmark one of the important chapters of your life.

However, I do weird things. For one, I worked harder, which is particularly strange since I barely attended any of my lectures. I used every free hour to its fullest, going so far as to cut my sleep significantly. I guess I realised that unearthing the potential of mathematics lies in algorithms, and so I had lots to learn. On top of this was the urge to master every tool this modern age had to offer. The funny thing is, these efforts seemed to lack a clear purpose. The difficulty of rationalising this strange behaviour haunts me as much as noticing it did.

It was either to fulfil (i) a need for more knowledge, or (ii) a void. Both sound equally frustrating. Point (i) chains you to an endless cycle, because life is a continuous learning journey. Moreover, attaining more of anything is always a little daily ego boost, and accepting that makes you feel like a weak padawan. Point (ii) is something I have spent my whole life trying to solve, and every attempt has only led to more dismay.

Recently, I started wishing I could return to my younger years, when all I had to worry about was finishing quizzes due by 11:59 pm on a Friday night with my friend, Chegg. Back then, there was hope that things would improve, no matter how difficult they were, and that faith was propped up by my obliviousness to the adult world. It suggests that a child is in the most optimal state, which is why they are always smiling, so much that I might just envy them. It has become apparent to me that waking up at 4 am every day was just my way of giving life another chance after losing hope.

To the brewing hate that plays the symphony of my heart's desires, and to the weak who surrender to my sufferings.